Seven New Inventions That Will Return America to Economic Prosperity

Dear Editor,
I am giving you the opportunity to publish this list of great new inventions that will revive the American economy because you, like I, are a loyal patriotic citizen of the greatest country on earth. These inventions are sure to catapult our economy to success heretofore unknown.
I, like you, am a capitalist…and (I don’t mean this as a threat) but as a capitalist, if you do not publish this list of great new inventions I will send my list of inventions to a literary journal in China.
Don’t let me down. Don’t let America down.
BUT
If you don’t want to publish the list but do want to invest in one of these great new companies, send your cashiers check for $25,000 payable to Don’t Think Twice Corporation, C/O Me.
Thank You (and good Luck)

David A. Goldstein.
C.E.O. (My)

1. Shit Sniffer Sneakers
Nothing ruins a person’s day like stepping if fresh (or even day old) dog shit. You have probably seen those kids’ sneakers with the lights embedded that go on and off as the kid walks. Shit sniffers would sense dog shit from 7 ½ feet away. Bells, colored lights and whistles embedded in the shoe would go off when the wearer gets within 7 ½ feet of dog shit.
We intend to introduce this new product in Paris, a city with more dog shit per capita than baguettes per capita. We believe the product has tremendous export potential and what better place to introduce it than Paris?

2. Polytazegraphers
Polytazegraphers are small portable devices that are a perfect marriage of the polygraph and the tazer. When a person lies on a standard polygraph only the polygrapher knows. The Polytazegraphers provides instant feedback to the testee. (Not to be confused with testes)
These are not designed for law enforcement but for the corporations, the businessman. Human resource personnel uniformly inform us that one of the most gut-wrenching aspects of their job is telling the long term unemployed job applicant that they won’t be hired.
Polytazegraphers are designed for the job interview. Our sales force has been instructed to smile and tell the potential corporate buyer “you don’t have to say the word “no” to a job applicant, 7500 volts of electricity will tell him for you.”
During focus groups many focus group participants suggested a lower-voltage home use model could have market potential. We are a child friendly corporation and have solicited an opinion from legal.

3. Port-A-Tunnels
This one has not been perfected yet but we expect to have a final design with only a little more time in engineering. And, there is nothing that can boost a flagging economy like having to hire a bunch of engineers to perfect a product “in a short time.” We have applied for a Federal design grant through the I.N.E.P.T. program.
It has always amazed corporate how much time and money Mexican drug dealers spend building tunnels from Mexico, under the border and into the U.S. only to have the tunnels discovered and destroyed. Our Ad campaign features the catchy slogan ”Leave the digging to US” (even though we actually don’t dig anything).
Port-A-Tunnels will be made out of a light material (as yet we don’t know what that will be), which is “collapsible, moveable, and easily transportable.” The ability to quickly move your drug tunnel will make it harder to find.
There may not be a large market for these in the sense of volume but drug dealers don’t much care about costs so we believe there is an enormous mark up per unit potential.

4. Hat-Tent-Shunners
These are hats that are also tents. They are made of heavy-duty rain resistant plastic and come in black and blue (that’s not two separate colors). The hat-tent-shunner is small enough to wear as a hat and still hold up ones head yet large enough to cover the above average ego, yet medium-size enough to be able to say: “officer this isn’t a tent, its just a hat.”
There is a huge market for these, maybe as much as 99% of all Americans.
The hat-tent-shunner is offered with an inexpensive companion product. For only an additional $9.95 plus shipping and handling, we can include a can of colorless, odorless, protesteramos, which converts pepper spray into an aphrodisiac.
This item should not only appeal to (almost) all (true) Americans but has tremendous export potential to the Middle East and some European countries.

5. The Par-fect Ankle Monitor
This is a higher priced item made for the executive convicted of a felony and sentenced to house arrest.
The Par-fect anklet not only monitors the executives whereabouts but can also simultaneously record his golf score. Every time his golf club touches a golf ball one stroke is recorded.
Not only will the executive be monitored for his physical movement but the automatic golf swing recorder will prevent the executive from cheating on the golf course.
The base price bracelet is expected to sell for $1040. Jewel encrusted super studded models will sell for $59,000 and up for the executive who (still has) everything.
We recognize that there is not yet a huge market for this item but our belief that someday government may decide to actually prosecute executives who have been committing crimes on a regular basis. Investors should view this as a “buy, hold and hope” with good long term potential but substantial downside risk.

6. Wipe Away Wipers With Cell Phone App
These are windshield wipers for the inside of your car. The name of this product is Spurters. Every man who is a man will want a set of these heavy duty no stick rubber blades. Studies have shown that 73% of men use their cell phone while driving, 82% of the time viewing pornography.
Our marketing team has developed an ad campaign centered around the slogan: Stay Safe on the road, nothing to be embarrassed about when you arrive home.
For only $7.99 a month additional, Spurters come with a cell phone app that will automatically activate the wipers when porn is viewed. The app will be advertised around the slogan: Hands Free Driving
Senior citizens will be offered a discount on both products as well as a lifetime warranty.

7. Tissshirts
Like them or not (I mean like it or not) we have an aging population, Tissshirts is a company founded by the husband of a home health care nurse.
Snot is one of the greatest problems of the geriatric set; health professionals refer to this problem as “a runny nose”.
The Tissshirt is an ordinary looking shirt that comes in 5 stunning colors. But it is a different kind of shirt. It has eight inch cuffs made of our patented absorbent no show organic synthetic material. The average nose can be wiped on each cuff for about a month. The cuffs are detachable and can be replaced much like our modern contact lenses. The Tissshirt comes with 12 cuffs (a year supply). Our advertising campaign is focused around the concept that you can buy just one more shirt and then replace the cuffs as long as you live.
As well we are developing a tie-in product, the geriatracider, a home size cremation furnace. With this order for the geriaticider we will give away one free Tissshirt, shipping and handling extra of course.
With our aging population these products are sure fire.

A Final Word To Investors

We should never forget: America is the land of the greatest entrepreneurial class this world has ever known. We can come back to who we really are. We will come back. I am a graduate of or most renowned business schools: The Wharton School of Finance and Commerce, class of 1967. I intend to follow in the mold of other smart and famous Wharton grads (not the ones in prison). I will promote these seven great new and modern companies. I will lead the comeback. America can regain its greatness. Trust Me.

 

 

David Goldstein has more than fifty short stories published and several poems. He was nominated for a W.W. Norton Best Creative Nonfiction Award. He received a Catalyst International Poetry Award. He was the First Deputy Defender for Michigan. He argued and won more than twenty appellate cases before the Michigan Supreme Court. He conducted several lengthy jury trials. He graduated with honors from the Wharton School of Finance. .